Blasphemous Meditations on the Cross
I went to church on Good Friday. Sat through the Anglican version of the meditations of the cross and left before the service was over. I found the catholic version and rewrote it to reflect my experience.
Guys, guys, what did I do to piss you off? Answer me! I mean, for Christ’s sake, I rescued you from slavery in Egypt and gave you freedom, and what did you do? You freakin nailed me to a cross!
Jeez, you really are a great guy, who has done a lot of great things. I’m really sorry all that happened to you.
You know, after Egypt, I led you around for Forty years protecting you and stuff. I gave you stuff to eat, gave you a nice piece of land, but you still nailed me to a freakin’ cross.
Like I said, I’m really sorry that happened to you, but, well, I wasn’t going to say anything before, but, I wasn’t really around back then when you were rescuing people from Egypt and leading them around a desert. I also wasn’t around when they nailed you to a cross either. I’m not even related to those guys. You know, just so you are aware. I know I don’t do the right things, but, you know, seems like you should be talking to somebody else about this stuff. Don’t get me wrong, you are a really great guy.
What more do you want from me? It’s like, I planted you in a vineyard and you gave me sour grapes and vinegar to drink. And then, after that, you stuck a huge spear in my side.
What more do I want? How about some evidence you are actually there? How about some clear direction about what you want and all that? I mean, Christ, you don’t really think the Bible counts do you? After all that has been through? And how people use it? I mean, come on. Is it any surprise some of us have a little sour grapes? Most of us don’t believe you planted anything, and some of us who do are a little pissed off that your sort of let things go. I mean, isn’t part of gardening taking care of things around the plants? Maybe you should think about what you did that gave you sour grapes and vinegar, hmmm?
I took the people that were your captors and kicked their ass. I mean, I killed all their first born sons, and instead of thanking me, you bring that ass whoopin and put it on me. I mean, I drowned them when they were chasing you, but I made sure that the water was open for you to get across. And as thanks, you cut me open all along the side with a spear. I mean, imagine that, a big freaking spear cutting your side open while you are on a goddamn cross. What in the hell did I do to deserve this.
Look, it was a terrible thing, no question, but as I said before, I wasn’t around. I had nothing to do with it. In fact, if you believe all that shit in the Bible and stuff, you did all this to yourself. Don’t go blaming me. This is your shit. I wasn’t there. I have never been to Egypt or Jerusalem. I live in Canada. So go talk to some people who have been dead for a while. Maybe they have some answers.
I led you around and kept you safe. I mean, I manifested myself as fire and clouds to lead you around. Remember that? But you led me to court to be sentenced to death. I mean, come on, do I deserve that?
Ok, I remember the whole fires and clouds thing. I remember looking at stuff and thinking that I felt you. But it’s not like that was clear at all. Do you think I knew where to go because I stared into a camp fire or a candle? Do you think that I knew what to do because I stared up at the clouds? Do you think I felt safe? Besides, what have I done really? I didn’t do any of the stuff you are talking about.
When you were out there, in the desert, I gave you stuff to eat, and water to drink. But you, well, you gave me that sour wine. And then I made sure there was a way for you to go, and you put a crown of thorns on my head. I mean, I gave you all the power you needed and you stripped away everything I had.
What? Ok, really, fuck you. You have some serious fucking problems. Are you even listening to the things I am saying? Are you going to respond at all? Do you even realize how ridiculous you sound? You gave me power? I don’t feel like I have a whole lot of power. But the worst, I stripped away what you had? How is that even possible? Fuck this, I’m leaving.
Guys, guys, what did I do to piss you off? Answer me! I mean, for Christ’s sake, I rescued you from slavery in Egypt and gave you freedom, and what did you do? You freakin nailed me to a cross!
Jeez, you really are a great guy, who has done a lot of great things. I’m really sorry all that happened to you.
You know, after Egypt, I led you around for Forty years protecting you and stuff. I gave you stuff to eat, gave you a nice piece of land, but you still nailed me to a freakin’ cross.
Like I said, I’m really sorry that happened to you, but, well, I wasn’t going to say anything before, but, I wasn’t really around back then when you were rescuing people from Egypt and leading them around a desert. I also wasn’t around when they nailed you to a cross either. I’m not even related to those guys. You know, just so you are aware. I know I don’t do the right things, but, you know, seems like you should be talking to somebody else about this stuff. Don’t get me wrong, you are a really great guy.
What more do you want from me? It’s like, I planted you in a vineyard and you gave me sour grapes and vinegar to drink. And then, after that, you stuck a huge spear in my side.
What more do I want? How about some evidence you are actually there? How about some clear direction about what you want and all that? I mean, Christ, you don’t really think the Bible counts do you? After all that has been through? And how people use it? I mean, come on. Is it any surprise some of us have a little sour grapes? Most of us don’t believe you planted anything, and some of us who do are a little pissed off that your sort of let things go. I mean, isn’t part of gardening taking care of things around the plants? Maybe you should think about what you did that gave you sour grapes and vinegar, hmmm?
I took the people that were your captors and kicked their ass. I mean, I killed all their first born sons, and instead of thanking me, you bring that ass whoopin and put it on me. I mean, I drowned them when they were chasing you, but I made sure that the water was open for you to get across. And as thanks, you cut me open all along the side with a spear. I mean, imagine that, a big freaking spear cutting your side open while you are on a goddamn cross. What in the hell did I do to deserve this.
Look, it was a terrible thing, no question, but as I said before, I wasn’t around. I had nothing to do with it. In fact, if you believe all that shit in the Bible and stuff, you did all this to yourself. Don’t go blaming me. This is your shit. I wasn’t there. I have never been to Egypt or Jerusalem. I live in Canada. So go talk to some people who have been dead for a while. Maybe they have some answers.
I led you around and kept you safe. I mean, I manifested myself as fire and clouds to lead you around. Remember that? But you led me to court to be sentenced to death. I mean, come on, do I deserve that?
Ok, I remember the whole fires and clouds thing. I remember looking at stuff and thinking that I felt you. But it’s not like that was clear at all. Do you think I knew where to go because I stared into a camp fire or a candle? Do you think that I knew what to do because I stared up at the clouds? Do you think I felt safe? Besides, what have I done really? I didn’t do any of the stuff you are talking about.
When you were out there, in the desert, I gave you stuff to eat, and water to drink. But you, well, you gave me that sour wine. And then I made sure there was a way for you to go, and you put a crown of thorns on my head. I mean, I gave you all the power you needed and you stripped away everything I had.
What? Ok, really, fuck you. You have some serious fucking problems. Are you even listening to the things I am saying? Are you going to respond at all? Do you even realize how ridiculous you sound? You gave me power? I don’t feel like I have a whole lot of power. But the worst, I stripped away what you had? How is that even possible? Fuck this, I’m leaving.
posted by deadwriter at 3:48 p.m.
1 comments
