Will You Be My Friend?

Soundtrack[CLICK HERE],

A few people I know have had a friendship crisis lately. This, combined with my own set of lackluster friends has led my to ponder on the nature of friendship itself.

I even did some research, but I figure it will take me a little bit to get through it, and I wanted to write something sooner rather than later. Perhaps I’ll respond to it in a later blog. In the meantime you’ll have to read my own, uniformed opinions.

“Friend”, I figure, is an arbitrary term. There is no clear definition of a friend that everyone accepts. No code of conduct that says “if you do this you are friends, if you do this you are not.” Makes things particularly sticky when two people enter this relationship with two different definitions of what friends should be. Or at least, what these two people should be to each other.

In that sense, I figure, friendship is a sort of negotiation between two people, with terms that are constantly in a state of flux, constantly renegotiated. Even worse, these negotiations are often unspoken. Which makes the chance of confusion, disappointment and hurt even worse.

It also makes trusting someone harder. Pooh Bear has gone through several tough times over the past few years. She had a confidant, a friend she shared things with. During a recent tough time, this friend of hers disappeared. No explanation, no excuse, leaving Pooh wondering what the hell happened. Turns out this friend decided that her tough times were too much to handle. They finally starting talking about it, after a month or two, and are trying to rebuild their friendship. But I imagine Pooh will think twice before sharing another tough time with her friend.

I’ve had very few dramatic friendship alterations. Instead, I’ve had a series of generally unfulfilling friendships really.

Chief among them is my friendship with Optimus Prime. I’ve told stories of him elsewhere, but let me re-iterate: we have made plans to do things throughout my life, and at the last minute, he backs out. Most memorably is my 7th birthday, when I was allowed to have one guest, I chose Prime, and he backed out that day, leaving my friendless on my birthday.

When he isn’t backing out of our plans, he’s refusing to make them in the first place. Most notably here is the time Wilma told me she wanted to go to Vancouver on her own. I’ve told this one before too. I was delirious and called Prime from a pay phone. He didn’t want to come see me, and did not make plans to come to see me at all. He had a wife who was due in a month, but he made no effort.

I haven’t talk to him much at all in the past year. A few lunches here and there. I’ve tried more than once to make plans, and he agrees that we should do something soon, but does not want to commit and never tries to contact me to do anything. He hasn’t met Minako, who I’ve been seeing for almost a year. He hasn’t seen my apartment where I have been living for over a year. When I ask him when he will get a chance to do those things he says “Probably never.”

Here is a case, not of someone abruptly changing the terms of the friendship, but reluctant to change them at all. Prime has always been this was. And may always be.

The rest of my friends are, for one reason or another, reluctant to hang out as well. I talk to Pooh Bear on MSN all the time, which often leads to misunderstandings due to lack of face-to-face activity, but she is working full-time, and finds it hard to bring herself to get out. Speed (you remember him, don’t you?) is relatively new as a friend, and like Prime, won’t commit to things. He said, at the beginning of the baseball season, that we should hang out and watch a game sometime. After several attempts to get something together, baseball season is now over, and he hasn’t been around. Rockzilla is a go with the flow guy whose efforts have been thwarted so many times that, if he does make an effort, it’s either on a whim, or on a commitment he made on a whim. I appreciate him, but he’s not exactly the go to guy when I want to just hang out. Hanging out with him is more of an event. Phil Ken Sebben is AWOL most of the time, but he lives in Southern Ontario and is only there half the time because he travels on business all the time. And then there’s…

No wait, that’s it.

Shitty.

In moments of hurt and disappointment, I think my friends are shitty assholes. But really, they aren’t. They just want different things from our relationship, or don’t feel like they are in a position to give me what I am looking for right now.

Which is what exactly? Here’s my checklist for my wet-dream of a friend:

Someone I can talk to about baseball, romantic entanglements, sex, writing, religion, etc. Doesn’t have to be knowledgeable in all categories, just interested enough to talk about it. Could even do without one or two.

Someone who is interested in hanging out from time to time, going to see a movie, going to see a band, getting together with a group for drinks, etc.

Someone who will call and ask me to do things. Different than the last one. I have had so few friends who actually initiate encounters and I am tired of chasing people.

Someone who wants to come over and just hang out without big plans or fanfare.

One of the things I read somewhere is that, as adults grow older, they increasingly view their friendships as expendable, a luxury that isn’t necessary, something that can be sacrificed. While there is a higher percentage of men who feel this way, women are not far behind. Maybe in another blog I’ll rant about how it is a combination of capitalism and the exploitation of the Puritan work ethic by corporations that leads to this perception of intimate relationships outside of romance.

Right now I’m just sad.

Have You No Compassion?

Soundtrack[CLICK HERE],

Compassion was a big part of the Evangelical Christianity that I grew up with. Most of the time it was called a “Passion for the Lost.” Translated, that means your desire to try and get people saved.

I know, that doesn’t sound a whole lot like compassion, and sometimes it isn’t. There were plenty of people who tried to save other people because of pride, or because they needed to reinforce their own beliefs by convincing other people.

But there were some, I’d even be willing to concede a minority, that did it out of real compassion.

Put yourself in an Evangelical’s shoes for a moment. You truly believe that there is a hell, where people suffer eternal pain without hope of escape. And unless the people around you accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior, they will end up in that terrible place when they die.

I remember praying at camp once, during an altar call, and having some kind of vision/daydream about everyone I know who wasn’t a Christian burning in Hell. Screaming in agony. I wanted to help.

But I understood that it wasn’t simply a matter of presenting people with the opportunity. I was already filled with doubt, and accepting Christ as a personal savior simply for after life fire insurance (for those who prefer not to burn) wasn’t TRULY being saved at all. I concluded, therefore, that I had to emphasize the true benefits of becoming a Christian, while acknowledging the hang up and doubts.

This did contribute to me leaving the Evangelical sphere eventually as I spent a great deal of time examining and facing my own doubts until I realized I had nothing left but doubt.

I feel like there is some connection between this and Compassion in Buddhism.

Buddhists, in my limited understanding, have a slightly different idea of compassion. In their view, everyone is suffering because of their desire. The Buddhists who are closer to enlightenment become more and more keenly aware of the suffering of those around them. And everyone suffers until they reach enlightenment.

Now, while both Evangelicals and Buddhists have a solution to the suffering they perceive (salvation from hell, enlightenment from desire) Buddhists don’t feel the compulsion to “save” people. That’s because they understand that enlightenment is a personal journey that requires commitment and perseverance, and without that, all they can do is help to make things a little easier.

Or not.
Buddhists often feel compassion without the compulsion to do things. They simply perceive the suffering of someone else.

As you know, I don’t believe in enlightenment, but I certainly think everyone is suffering. Certain suffering is much more evident, and much easier to feel compassion in those situations. People who have their houses destroyed by hurricanes and starve because a stupid government won’t give them any food. But what about the moron in your office who parties every weekend, gets shitfaced drunk and brags about it Monday morning? What about the person who is always trying to shove some mantra about how to live down your throat? What about the asshole who cuts you off in traffic, or the gas mogul who has all the money he wants?

See, I think all these people are suffering and deserve compassion as well. I’m not going to send the gas mogul money to help him out. But then, I’m not sure how much money helps the crying woman who has lost her son under a collapsed house.

I really, truly, and honestly think it’s more important to recognize that people everywhere are suffering. Many, many, many people make poor decisions, and some people even make callous decisions that increase the suffering of others. But those people are still suffering, and I strongly believe that suffering of all kinds deserves a certain amount of compassion.