I Don't Remember (Exercise #3)

Companion Exercise to I Remember (Exercise #2)

On a side note, I’ve been terrible at keeping up my freewriting. Get too distracted by my own stress and anxiety about making sure I get interest relief on my massive student loan, what I’m going to do now that my in-between dream job is out of reach, whether I have completely lost my ability to play slo-pitch softball with a bunch of beer gutted alcoholics, and whether I am ever going to figure out how to do the things I think are important without getting distracted. I think I need to do more freewriting.

I don’t remember the peace or the comfort. Not really. There were moments, sure, but they were filled with awe. And when they were over, there was strife and conflict. There was, above all, struggle. What decision to make, how to deal with teenage heartache, what toll my sin would take. Hardly a peace that passeth all understanding.

And what about the loving arms of your church? I don’t remember those either. I felt a part of something bigger than myself, sure. But what part? Don’t give me that shit about all parts being important, or all parts needing each other. I was a part, but a separate part. I felt important. I didn’t feel integrated though.

I don’t remember trusting my church family. I don’t remember feeling like I could tell them anything. Yes, my bug confession to Prime was an important breakthrough, but rather than lead me deep into the arms of your Grace, it lead me away.

I don’t remember the miracles. No healings (really), no windfalls of unexpected money, no unanticipated jobs, no supernatural rescues from disaster.

I don’t remember feel satisfied. There was a continual promise that Revival was coming, that God would use me mightily. The inflated sense of importance. The anticipation of being one step away from something of such magnitude that you held your breath and braced yourself. And like a cartoon, you slowly opened your eyes and relaxed because nothing happened.

Search Your Feelings

Soundtrack [CLICK HERE]

I had another discussion with the Chicken Lover recently (see here for previous discussion with Chicken Lover). He was saying he wished there was more openness and honesty around our mutual workplace. I disagreed.

I know. Seems to go against my new manifesto right? Well, sort of, but not necessarily.

I suggested that pure, unadulterated honesty was not a good thing, and that people weren’t emotionally stable enough to handle that. For example, I said, if everyone said that (insert random co-worker here) was freakin’ weird and told her that, than how would that be a positive thing.

I actually picked a co-worker who everyone did think was quite weird, and who was clearly emotionally unstable. Not only that, but Chicken Lover has been working with this co-worker with his crackpot new-age theories to help her (hasn’t worked).

Chicken Lover suggested that once that was out in the open, it could be addressed. And that’s more of his crackpot new-agey thinking, that if everyone’s negative feelings towards each other were just voiced, then you can find a way of dealing with them. Wrong. And out of someone else’s mouth, that sounds like a brainwashing threat.

But it does present an interesting conundrum to my manifesto. I really do believe people cannot handle unaltered, pure honesty. Either speaking it or receiving it. It’d be nice, but it just can’t happen.

At the same time, if we wait until everyone around us is enlightened and emotionally stable to be honest and authentic, then we never will be, and people around us won’t learn how to deal with it.

Here’s part one of my solution:

Be honest with yourself first.

No, the Chicken Lover did not get to me. This is not a crack-pot new age theory. Just listen.

For example, I get really annoyed by certain people. But instead of allowing that to float out of my mouth when I experience that annoyance, I should take sometime to think about why I am annoyed. Lot s of times it’s because something else is really, really bothering me and I am ignoring it.

Writing helps me get at these things. Freewrites especially. Lately, when I do the freewrites, I’ve been seeing that it turns into an argument with God, or at least, me yelling at God. Perhaps there are some unresolved issues there, hmm? So, I’m trying to address that. Trying not to ignore it.

Let me tell you, it’s hard to deal with stuff you’d rather ignore. I suppose that goes without saying, but I think it is an important first step in being honest with other people.