I WIll Top It Like This:

The other day, I told my father I didn’t believe in Atonement any more, and that if God had a place in my life, I had no idea what it is.

Of course, in the course of the conversation, I couldn’t remember the word “Atonement.” Instead I had to say “I don’t believe that Jesus died for my sins.”

I was nervous. Very nervous.

Minako, who encouraged me to have this conversation, told me that they loved me, and that they wouldn’t be overjoyed, but they would accept it. Short-Fuze (my brother, for future reference) said they probably already knew and understood. They weren’t stupid.

I spent a lot of time avoiding questions, being evasive, just so I didn’t have to say it, just so I could avoid the awkward exchange.

What was I worried about? No, I didn’t think they would yell and scream. I could have handled that much better, because I could yell and scream and argue back. Plus, if my parents were the kind of people who would do that about something like this, I would care a lot less about what they thought.

But, because they are the kind of people who actually care, who can be sensitive in delicate situations (when they want to) and most of all, because they said and demonstrated that they cared about me and loved me, I was worried.

I didn’t want to disappoint them. I didn’t want them to feel like failures as parents. I didn’t want them to view me as less than what they thought before. And in this don’t-ask-don’t-tell thing we had going, they had their suspicions and I neither confirmed nor denied, allowing them to remain in the dark somewhat.

Turns out not so much.

My dad, of course, knew that I wasn’t keeping an evangelical relationship with God. He theorized, and has in the past, that this was the reason I decided to marry Wilma. If I had a closer relationship with God, prayed about my decisions more, God would give me better direction, and I would be able to avoid situations which were harmful to me.

He also theorized that my inability to form close friendships was a major factor in my disbelief.

That’s hard to hear from your Dad.

He thought that if I had closer friends growing up, it would have given me a better starting point with God. Evangelical relationships with God are sort of like really close friendships, after all. My examples were generally pretty poor, in his observation. It’s not that I didn’t want or try to get close to people. It’s just that the people I wanted to be close to didn’t or couldn’t be that close to me (we rehashed some of the Optimus Prime stuff from the last entry). Because of that, I had developed a habit of being rese4rved, and only opening up to people when they demonstrated some interest. And, well, even in an Evangelical setting, it’s rather difficult to have an understanding of God.

Now, I brought up several other factors: my conversations with Optimus Prime, University study of religion, a desire to distance myself from church politics (but still get a good enough seat to watch and take notes for a novel or something…) And he acknowledged those.

And also acknowledged his own lack of close friends. Seems it’s a family trait.

After that, I finished up lunch, brushed my teeth, and my father drove me to work. Sort of anti-climatic, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Some reservations I had about moving on with my life and certain aspects of it dried up because I had somehow managed to cross this major hurdle.

It’s not completely over yet though. I haven’t talked to my Mom directly yet, but that’s coming. She knows. My Father says “She’s not excited, but she’s ok.” And then there’s the grandparents, and the filtering through the rest of the family.

But I feel like my parents are in my corner, even if they don’t like where I’m going. And right now, that feels pretty good.