RELAX!!

So, given my last entry you'd expect me to have a whole bunch done on my novel, or at least, be relaxed and have a more concrete perspective, right?

Nope.

The foreign sportscards thing is still there, eating up bits of my time, but I think there is a deeper problem.

I realized this as I was sitting outside of Mianko's Parent's cottage/retirement castle. She was talking to them privately and needed some space, so I had a few hours to kill.

"Relax," she said.

I brought my book and my notebook and sat down in the sun. I didn't stay long, because the sun was too hot, and I moved to the shade. It was too early for an afternoon nap, so I got my notebook. Instead of doing some journaling or something like that, I did some computations about the profitability of purchasing certain items and reselling them. Then I thought of how to market certain items.

That took well under an hour.

I read about three pages in my book.

I wrote the date in my notebook, intending to journal, but I couldn't.

I stared out into the trees, trying to pay attention to what was there, trying to lose myself in the scenery, but I couldn't.

So I got up for a walk. I thought about the sportscards, about my divorce papers, about cleaning my apartment, about playing ball, but couldn't enjoy the surroundings. I wasn't particularity stressed about anything, my mind was just busy.

You see, I realized I have trouble relaxing.

This may be a surprise to some, since I preach relaxation, meditation, and taking time just to sit to everyone who talks about their stress. It's good, I say, it will help you deal with the stress, I say, It won't be easy it just takes discipline, but it will be worth it.

In fact, that's why I bought my second Buddha. As a little reminder to take time out and relax.

I was really good at in the fall. Wilma was newly gone, and I was reeling from the loss. I didn't give myself any extra jobs or tasks aside from recouping. I sat on my balcony lots, and just sat. I relaxed. It was great.

It furthers my theory that tragedies can actually be very relaxing. All of a sudden you have this wild card that releases you from all your other responsibilities and concerns. You can just sit back, and experience the tragedy, free of other concerns.

But when my tragedy seemed to end, when I started to get over the loss of my marriage, things started piling up. I wanted to do more things. And yes, there have been times where I have freaked out due to the overwhelming mess I have left to deal with after I start one of these task (often an actual mess since my new project is so much more interesting than house work), most of the time I am not stressed.

I just can't sit still.

My parents find this as no surprise. As a child I could never sit still. My father says "if it doesn't have explosions all the time, he gets bored."

One troubling memory I have is my parents trying to take a photo of me in a little red suit. I can't remember how old I was, but I remember how difficult it was to stand still. I remember crying when my parents got frustrated, and I never stood completely still. In the best photo of the shoot, my feet are still twisting, and I'm sure there are the gleam of tears in my eyes and thick triangles of wet eye lashes around them.

But I still believe sitting still is good, and that it requires discipline.

So I pledge that tomorrow, my day off, I will sit for at least twenty minutes, ignoring the sportscards I have to process, ignoring the urgency of the divorce papers that need to be filled out, ignoring that packing I have to do for the flea market this Sunday, ignoring the stretching I have to do for the ballgame tomorrow night, and concentrating on how my ass feels on the chair.