Matches and Rain
At some point, I became enamored with Christian rock music. It was definitely after the early 90s, because I remember having Nirvana and Pearl Jam albums that I purged in a fit of guilt for having music that might have a demonic effect on my life.
I really thought this music was great, and I still do. But I found that most other people thought it was derivative trash. So, I dreamed of having a radio show where I could present my music to the world.
Eventually, I did get a radio show at the college radio station.
By the time I did, there were more reasons I wanted one. First, and most selfishly, I wanted to get free music. Second, I wanted to find some way to use the journalism skills I was learning. And thirdly, because I felt like I could do something that people weren’t doing.
My original idea was to intersperse music with stories from Christians I interview. They would describe the highs and lows of Christian life. My theory was that Christianity was hard, and that if Christians acknowledged that, instead of pretending it was all roses, they could better explain the benefits of Christianity to others.
Unfortunately, I had a bit of a break down before that idea took off. I was just finishing my paper (Fires and Clouds), I was trying to lead a campus Bible Study (“KCF, nothing to do with chicken”… boy I’m clever), I was still on the leadership committee at my church’s youth group, working a part-time job, oh, and I was trying to work on my bachelor degree. All this without the use of a car, relying on my mom and dad to truck me around. Finally, my body said “nope”, and my doctor said I had to pay attention.
So, I started to scale back. I remember going into the program director’s office and explaining my situation, and proposing a new show where I would spend more time talking about my own experiences instead of interviewing others. He agreed, and my show was born.
I named it “Matches and Rain”, essentially, what came in between the revelations of the fires and clouds.
My theme song was “Harder to Believe Than Not To” by Fleming and John. The haunting, strained vocals of Fleming McWilliams combined with the crunchy guitar of John McWilliams gave the song an added sense of turmoil which I liked.
The song was a cover of a song originally recorded by Steve Taylor. Taylor's version was accompanied by an orchestra, giving the lyrics a sort of quiet desperation. He was a controversial Christian Rocker because, although he was a staunch evangelical fundamentalist, he frequently criticized the church in his music. In fact, in one song (“I Want To Be A Clone”), he takes on the tendency of the church to encourage conformity rather than diversity.
I read somewhere that the song was inspired by something in the letters of Flannery O’Connor. This was how I first discovered the brilliance Ms. O’Connor. I dug through a copy of her letters and finally came across this passage from a 1959 letter to Lousie Abbot:
“I think there is no greater suffering that what is caused by the doubts of those who want to believe. I know what torment this is, but I can only see it, in myself anyway, as the process by which faith is deepened. A faith that just accepts is a child’s faith and all right for children, but eventually you have to grow religiously as every other way, though some never do.
“What some people don’t realize is how much religion costs. They think faith is a big electric blanket, when of course it is the cross. It is much harder to believe than not to believe. If you feel you can’t believe, you must do at least this: keep an open mind. Keep it open toward faith, keep wanting it, keep asking for it, and leave the rest to God.”
This became the overarching theme of my radio show.
When I was explaining this to Sylvester later, during my Religious Studies degree, in a somewhat drunken and timid state, she shocked me.
“I don’t believe that,” she said. Sylvester was an older woman who was going back to school because she didn’t know what else to do with her life. She was a left-over hippy, who had, by her own admission, done too many drugs, was only casually into Wicca and native spirituality, enough to have a few icons around her house, but not enough to really be a “member of anything.
“I think life is hard whether you believe or not.” She said it laughingly, and somewhat drunk herself. But it completely changed how I viewed faith and Christianity.
I really thought this music was great, and I still do. But I found that most other people thought it was derivative trash. So, I dreamed of having a radio show where I could present my music to the world.
Eventually, I did get a radio show at the college radio station.
By the time I did, there were more reasons I wanted one. First, and most selfishly, I wanted to get free music. Second, I wanted to find some way to use the journalism skills I was learning. And thirdly, because I felt like I could do something that people weren’t doing.
My original idea was to intersperse music with stories from Christians I interview. They would describe the highs and lows of Christian life. My theory was that Christianity was hard, and that if Christians acknowledged that, instead of pretending it was all roses, they could better explain the benefits of Christianity to others.
Unfortunately, I had a bit of a break down before that idea took off. I was just finishing my paper (Fires and Clouds), I was trying to lead a campus Bible Study (“KCF, nothing to do with chicken”… boy I’m clever), I was still on the leadership committee at my church’s youth group, working a part-time job, oh, and I was trying to work on my bachelor degree. All this without the use of a car, relying on my mom and dad to truck me around. Finally, my body said “nope”, and my doctor said I had to pay attention.
So, I started to scale back. I remember going into the program director’s office and explaining my situation, and proposing a new show where I would spend more time talking about my own experiences instead of interviewing others. He agreed, and my show was born.
I named it “Matches and Rain”, essentially, what came in between the revelations of the fires and clouds.
My theme song was “Harder to Believe Than Not To” by Fleming and John. The haunting, strained vocals of Fleming McWilliams combined with the crunchy guitar of John McWilliams gave the song an added sense of turmoil which I liked.
The song was a cover of a song originally recorded by Steve Taylor. Taylor's version was accompanied by an orchestra, giving the lyrics a sort of quiet desperation. He was a controversial Christian Rocker because, although he was a staunch evangelical fundamentalist, he frequently criticized the church in his music. In fact, in one song (“I Want To Be A Clone”), he takes on the tendency of the church to encourage conformity rather than diversity.
I read somewhere that the song was inspired by something in the letters of Flannery O’Connor. This was how I first discovered the brilliance Ms. O’Connor. I dug through a copy of her letters and finally came across this passage from a 1959 letter to Lousie Abbot:
“I think there is no greater suffering that what is caused by the doubts of those who want to believe. I know what torment this is, but I can only see it, in myself anyway, as the process by which faith is deepened. A faith that just accepts is a child’s faith and all right for children, but eventually you have to grow religiously as every other way, though some never do.
“What some people don’t realize is how much religion costs. They think faith is a big electric blanket, when of course it is the cross. It is much harder to believe than not to believe. If you feel you can’t believe, you must do at least this: keep an open mind. Keep it open toward faith, keep wanting it, keep asking for it, and leave the rest to God.”
This became the overarching theme of my radio show.
When I was explaining this to Sylvester later, during my Religious Studies degree, in a somewhat drunken and timid state, she shocked me.
“I don’t believe that,” she said. Sylvester was an older woman who was going back to school because she didn’t know what else to do with her life. She was a left-over hippy, who had, by her own admission, done too many drugs, was only casually into Wicca and native spirituality, enough to have a few icons around her house, but not enough to really be a “member of anything.
“I think life is hard whether you believe or not.” She said it laughingly, and somewhat drunk herself. But it completely changed how I viewed faith and Christianity.
posted by deadwriter at 9:32 a.m.
3 Comments:
Hiya,
It's me Lani - we met during "meet the fockers." I really enjoy your blog. It seriously sounds like you have lived two seperate lives. It's almost like you saw the light, and then you saw the light again and everything changed for you. I can hardly imagine what that would be like. I've always been agnostic/aethiest - so I've never been there and probably will never be there. I find interesting and (pardon the pun) enLIGHTening ;)
I still remember coming and doing a small hardcore segment on matches and rain... and saying participation instead of precipitation. Good times. remember you used to do the alnighters before you got the show... i remember listening to them on the way home from youth until the station would fade out.... good times.
Hey Lani,
I'm glad you like the blog. I know it might seem like there was a big change, but it was really more gradual than it seems here. The whole questioning thing took almost ten years to fully develop into a rejection of the church.
And dear anony,
I do remember those good times, and often dream about going back to do another radio show. Then I remember I'm a busy busy boy with no time for that anymore.
:(
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