Eight Signs of a Doomed Marriage
1. The first leg of my relationship with Wilma was long distance. After a very meaningful, intense Christmas vacation in Halifax with her, I moved back to Waterloo, and began a relationship over the phone. After a couple of months, after we decided we were “seeing each other as much as two people possibly can without physically seeing each other,” and that we weren’t seeing anybody else, a female friend of hers was over at her apartment, talking about masturbating. Wilma has always had a problem with that, and this other girl figured she just wasn’t doing it right. Discussion of technique lead to demonstration, and then interaction. She called me early the next morning to tell me, and I was in a state of shock. I told her I wanted some space to figure things out. Everybody said this was a sign, that I should get out now, and nobody would blame me. While I was figuring out what to do, she send me two mix tapes, and a bunch of little notes talking about how sorry she was, how ashamed she was, etc. And I forgave her.
2. The other day I found a letter she wrote me after I had moved back to Halifax. She was contemplating ending the relationship because I made her feel like shit. That I didn’t do what she needed to make her feel good about herself. I can’t remember exactly when that letter was written because we went through that conversation so many times, and each time I convinced her things would be ok.
3. The first time we had sex, as I was entering her, I looked at her and said “Do you know what this means?” She said “Yes.” Apparently we weren’t quite on the same page. We were virgins, and we had talked about the context in which we would have sex: when had decided to get married. We hadn’t quite decided that yet. I thought this meant that we were going to have sex anyway. She thought it was a proposal. It was a year into our actual marriage that she found out about the discrepancy.
4. Almost immediately after we starting having sex on a regular basis, Wilma developed TMJ. It was so bad at one point that, while waiting for the bus, she bit out a false tooth that had been surgically placed in her mouth.
5. While we were engaged, Wilma bought a set of shot glasses that, to me, looked like used up condoms. On each one was a word: love, friend, joy, peace. One time while I was at her apartment, I was throwing a roll of tape around, as I seem to do often, and as a joke, I tossed it to her, expecting her to catch it. Instead, she batted it away, and it flew to the table where the shot glasses were sitting. The “love” one fell over and broke.
6. We wrote our own wedding vows, together:
As your Husband/Wife,
I promise to love you and to share my life with you;
to be honest and compassionate with you;
to treat you with respect and kindness
to accept you with all of your strengths and weaknesses;
to encourage and support you
to care for you in times of need
to be patient in times of difficulty
to have faith in your integrity
and to be loyal to you
through the best and the worst of what is to come,
in all of the changes of our lives
for the rest of our days.
She stumbled on “to be loyal to you.” She said it was because it was awkward the way the rhythm went, like there was supposed to be something else there. She was probably right, but everyone joked about how I better watch out because she didn’t seem sure about that one.
7. On our honeymoon, her vagina started to feel sore, mostly around the opening. At first we thought it was chaffing due to a lack of, or poor quality lubricant. Unfortunately this was not the case. As our marriage progressed, she got more and more sore till, some days, it was difficult for her to walk in tight pants. She was diagnosed with Vulvar Vestibulitis, and later with Fibromyalgia (the two were connected apparently).
8. Just after she raised the possibility of us separating, we went out for supper, what turned out to be our last “date.” She spent half the time talking about which of her friends would make a good match for me. She was practically setting me up with her fucking friends and we hadn’t even decided to separate yet.
2. The other day I found a letter she wrote me after I had moved back to Halifax. She was contemplating ending the relationship because I made her feel like shit. That I didn’t do what she needed to make her feel good about herself. I can’t remember exactly when that letter was written because we went through that conversation so many times, and each time I convinced her things would be ok.
3. The first time we had sex, as I was entering her, I looked at her and said “Do you know what this means?” She said “Yes.” Apparently we weren’t quite on the same page. We were virgins, and we had talked about the context in which we would have sex: when had decided to get married. We hadn’t quite decided that yet. I thought this meant that we were going to have sex anyway. She thought it was a proposal. It was a year into our actual marriage that she found out about the discrepancy.
4. Almost immediately after we starting having sex on a regular basis, Wilma developed TMJ. It was so bad at one point that, while waiting for the bus, she bit out a false tooth that had been surgically placed in her mouth.
5. While we were engaged, Wilma bought a set of shot glasses that, to me, looked like used up condoms. On each one was a word: love, friend, joy, peace. One time while I was at her apartment, I was throwing a roll of tape around, as I seem to do often, and as a joke, I tossed it to her, expecting her to catch it. Instead, she batted it away, and it flew to the table where the shot glasses were sitting. The “love” one fell over and broke.
6. We wrote our own wedding vows, together:
As your Husband/Wife,
I promise to love you and to share my life with you;
to be honest and compassionate with you;
to treat you with respect and kindness
to accept you with all of your strengths and weaknesses;
to encourage and support you
to care for you in times of need
to be patient in times of difficulty
to have faith in your integrity
and to be loyal to you
through the best and the worst of what is to come,
in all of the changes of our lives
for the rest of our days.
She stumbled on “to be loyal to you.” She said it was because it was awkward the way the rhythm went, like there was supposed to be something else there. She was probably right, but everyone joked about how I better watch out because she didn’t seem sure about that one.
7. On our honeymoon, her vagina started to feel sore, mostly around the opening. At first we thought it was chaffing due to a lack of, or poor quality lubricant. Unfortunately this was not the case. As our marriage progressed, she got more and more sore till, some days, it was difficult for her to walk in tight pants. She was diagnosed with Vulvar Vestibulitis, and later with Fibromyalgia (the two were connected apparently).
8. Just after she raised the possibility of us separating, we went out for supper, what turned out to be our last “date.” She spent half the time talking about which of her friends would make a good match for me. She was practically setting me up with her fucking friends and we hadn’t even decided to separate yet.
posted by deadwriter at 6:47 a.m.
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