Academic Anxiety
One of the casualties in my blogful neglect has been my manifesto. As you may recall, I started out strong, deciding I needed a new manifesto that I would base upon the principles of love and honesty as I understood them.
But even as I started to work through when and how one should be honest and what that actually meant, I started to feel overwhelmed, and I sort of gave up.
Starting my path back to academics hasn’t helped either. So many philosophers, theologians and other thinkers spend so much time studying what other people have said about these principles (and others) and then spend the rest of their lives working out new thoughts. How could I possible think to come up with even a working manifesto in the face of that? What could I possibly contribute to the discussion when I don’t even know what has already been said?
(When teaching undergrads about the importance of research I liken it to coming into a conversation late: you have to listen a while to find out what other people are saying before you add you thoughts or you risk looking like an obnoxious self-important blowhard).
In the academic world, it means you have to slog through lots and lots of stuff and try to a) find where your thoughts fit and b) make sure you are thinking something other people haven’t already written about. It’s extremely disconcerting and overwhelming. I’ve had to do it recently with a dissertation proposal and a term paper. I enjoy doing the research, and thinking the thoughts, it’s preparing the justification that bothers me.
And I couldn’t do it anymore with the manifesto. It felt amateurish, ignorant and poorly constructed.
That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on love and honesty as good things to strive towards. I’ve just given up nailing down exactly what that means. Maybe later I will pick it up, but for now I’m just going to muddle through in my inconsistent stumbling way, trying to do what seems closest to honesty and love in each situation whenever I remember to think about that.
But even as I started to work through when and how one should be honest and what that actually meant, I started to feel overwhelmed, and I sort of gave up.
Starting my path back to academics hasn’t helped either. So many philosophers, theologians and other thinkers spend so much time studying what other people have said about these principles (and others) and then spend the rest of their lives working out new thoughts. How could I possible think to come up with even a working manifesto in the face of that? What could I possibly contribute to the discussion when I don’t even know what has already been said?
(When teaching undergrads about the importance of research I liken it to coming into a conversation late: you have to listen a while to find out what other people are saying before you add you thoughts or you risk looking like an obnoxious self-important blowhard).
In the academic world, it means you have to slog through lots and lots of stuff and try to a) find where your thoughts fit and b) make sure you are thinking something other people haven’t already written about. It’s extremely disconcerting and overwhelming. I’ve had to do it recently with a dissertation proposal and a term paper. I enjoy doing the research, and thinking the thoughts, it’s preparing the justification that bothers me.
And I couldn’t do it anymore with the manifesto. It felt amateurish, ignorant and poorly constructed.
That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on love and honesty as good things to strive towards. I’ve just given up nailing down exactly what that means. Maybe later I will pick it up, but for now I’m just going to muddle through in my inconsistent stumbling way, trying to do what seems closest to honesty and love in each situation whenever I remember to think about that.
posted by deadwriter at 5:06 p.m.
5 Comments:
Does that mean the blog is over, cause that would be a shame. I have enjoyed reading it, especially when it is a reflection on a mutual past. Can you blog without a goal... can it just be aimless free writing?
Does that mean the blog is ending, cause that would be a hsame. I have enjoyed reading it especially when dealing with a mutual past. can you still write a blog that is aimless free writing rather than manifesto on love and honesty?
No, it's not ending. I'm just trying to figure out what to do wiht it now. I did a lot of reflecting on the past, and I think for now I'm done with that. I did some manifestoie type stuff, and I don't ant to do that so much either. We'll have to see what happens.
deadwriter
You're done with your past, or you're done with certain aspects of your past for now? I seem to be done with my past for the time-being too, but I'm guessing that as life goes on something will come to the surface that I will have to delve into the past again to sort out.
I'm finished with writing about my past in the blog... at least for now. There's nothing I'm interested in writing about or exploring right now, probably because I've got so much other stuff I'm thinking about (school stuff, the novel, etc.)I'm sure there are aspects of my past that are interesting that I will pick again later.
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